In honor of National Cancer Survivors Day on Sunday, June 2nd, Bag It’s own Mikey Shock has shared her personal journey of coming to terms with being a cancer survivor.
Cancer Survivor… Survivorship… They are words that usually make one think of someone who has won the battle with cancer and is in remission. But there is so much more to survivorship than we think. Survivorship begins at the time of diagnosis and continues for the rest of your life, beyond treatment. It refers to the navigation and experience of a cancer diagnosis.
For the longest time during treatment, I felt like I couldn’t use the word survivor because I had not yet beat cancer; I wasn’t in remission yet. But, others told me that I was a cancer survivor. There was so much inner turmoil because how could I have cancer? I honestly thought it was REALLY funny that I had such a diagnosis. I grew up asking my Mom if I would get the cancer she had when I was two, and she would always tell me no because it isn’t genetic. Well… it’s funny because I got the same diagnosis in the same location, and during the same time of year, 19 years later.
Cancer was one of the best and worst things that ever happened to me. I am so glad and grateful I had cancer. I learned so much about who I was and what I could do. Even though I know my diagnosis doesn’t define me, I now find myself constantly motivating myself by saying “I beat cancer, this is nothing!” Knowing that there is a possibility you could die because you have a deadly diagnosis changes your perspective on life and the world around you. You see things you never noticed before, you appreciate the world around you and the fresh air in your lungs (especially after you experienced a collapsed lung). My diagnosis changed me for the better.
After months of coughing until I threw up and having my symptoms ignored by my doctor, I finally received a chest x-ray that showed my right lung collapsing and filling with fluid. Further scans at the ER revealed a massive tumor causing this destruction. After a hospital stay, lots of tests, and a month later I found out that it was Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. It was surreal because I grew up with my Mom sharing her experiences battling this diagnosis. I hear the horror she experienced because technology had not yet evolved to what it is today. I underwent 16 chemo treatments for ABVD and 15 rounds of radiation.
It wasn’t until after I was considered in remission that I started to truly process my survivorship. During treatment, I was in survival mode and wasn’t able to consider my feelings and emotions toward it, I had to get through it.
Ultimately what helped me process my survivorship was Bag It Cancer! I had read all of the materials in the binder during treatment, though I wasn’t able to process everything I was reading, I appreciated knowing I had a resource I could go to whenever I needed it. After I started working for Bag It, I began to see what a helpful resource the Bag It Bag could be. I started to attend events on behalf of Bag It where we would have an advocate table. One of my first events was a Survivorship event. I heard stories, participated in small groups, and had several discussions with oncologists and cancer survivors. This is when I started to truly process what I had just gone through!
After my treatments had ended, I became very depressed and I wasn’t sure why. I was honestly sad that I wasn’t in treatment anymore. I can’t explain it. It wasn’t survivor’s guilt, but a sadness that I had finished that journey. It also didn’t help that the cards, constant texts, and support were starting to dwindle because I was “fine” at that point. I just felt lost.
Honestly, coping with the experience of survivorship after treatment was way harder than during treatment. Again, I can’t tell you why, but I think it’s because I wasn’t in survival mode. I was finally given the time and energy to process this traumatic experience.
I also felt (and still sometimes feel) completely invalidated. I feel that when my body hurts, or when I am so tired that I can’t function, or that I get confused and foggy it’s not a valid excuse anymore because I’m not in treatment. Even a year after treatment ended, I still feel these symptoms at full force and feel like I am expected to be at my full capacity even though I can’t. For some, these long-term symptoms last months, years or even for the rest of your life after chemo.
Survivorship to me means that I am someone who has battled and beat cancer, but also continuing the battle for the rest of my life. I was poisoned with some nasty stuff, and I came out stronger. I am proud of my journey. I am a cancer survivor, and each moment is my gift. Stay strong!
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